‘I got to know myself better, take decisions for my own body’

I come from a village in Dehradun, and moved to Delhi for my undergraduate studies in 2019. College is a set of new experiences for everyone, but there were so many things I could do here that would not have been possible in my home. Simple stuff — staying up late, being on dating apps, wearing clothes of my choice — that would have led to people talking, restricted me, often out of fear. I was scared of my parents, too, but it wasn’t their fault. I think society made them hold back more than they actually wanted.

It wasn’t always easy. When I stepped into college for the first time, seeing people being so open about everything gave me an inferiority complex; I took time to get comfortable. My hair was long, I had bangs, and I never wore shorts. I just dressed how I dressed at home, in capris/jeans and t-shirts. While I didn’t push myself to change for other people, there were times I felt like I didn’t belong. For example, in dance practices, I wore leggings and long t-shirts, even though I didn’t really want to and they hindered my confidence. I never spoke of these though. I always tried to put on a brave face.

Eventually, I have found my own style. I now work out and dance in sports bras and shorts, to feel the cool breeze on my skin without being embarrassed. I have cut my hair much shorter, dyed it with blue streaks, pierced both sides of my nose, and got a few tattoos. All this has been a process.

For a year or so, I asked my parents for permission: they were shocked, but they didn’t deny it. I have grown to become my own decision-maker. I now only inform them after the tattoo or piercing is done. It feels great to do what I want to do, without thinking of consequences, though my mind still goes there sometimes.

The first time I went home in this new avatar, I could see how uncomfortable people were when they looked at me. My clothes could be kept away, the tattoos could be hidden, but the piercings were all too visible. Some people appreciated my courage, but there were also others who came for a second look just to ensure that I was the same Muskan.

That being said, I will never regret it. I became me. It felt like I had been hiding a part of myself from me for so long. My body has always wanted to explore, be it clothes, tattoos, piercings, or even a simple nail polish, and it was so difficult being restricted by the fear of people’s thoughts. I’m glad I let myself go wild in college. I got to know myself better, make decisions for my own body, and find my own vibe.

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As told to Shreya Khobragade. Khobragade is an intern with The Indian Express.